what good does having a sense of self do you, if all you get out of it is pain, loss, and grief?

Why the hell am I doing this anyway?

I wasn't good enough for Nithogg, or for S~

I am not good enough for my so-called family, spousal unit included.

When does it start being worth all the fucking effort?

Sparrow

I don't know what I am doing wrong, but I am having to redownload and reinstall EasyShare every single time I go to upload pictures from my camera.

Any ideas?

Sparrow

Current Mood: anxious

for two young female cats. Both are spayed. Both have their shots. They are healthy and beautiful.

The kitties are two and a half years old. They have grown up together, littermates from a Hearthwitch rescue litter. Their mother we just call 'Mom', their papa we suspect was the beloved Patchwork Rags.

Broken_lotte is seeking responsible pagan homes for the girls. Misty, a lovely dark grey tabby, was named by everyone who saw her as a kitten a Familiar Cat. Hannah, a black and orange torti, is her darker shadow.

They would really do best together, Misty is quite friendly, but Hannah is very shy, and hides behind her sister.

Give me a shout if you know someone interested, in the SFBay Area!

Sparrow

I got a particularly virulent form of stomach flu.

Went to the doc, they gave me a shot to stop the nausia, and suppositories to keep it under control.

Can't sit up at the computer very long - too dizzzy.

I have graduated to small sips of Smart Water.

I have had no caffiene in three days now. *laughs* I am soooo twitchy! Combine that with weak and dizzy, weird!

I am spending most of the weekend totally alone; trying hard not too feel like Something is beating up on me, punishing me. Hate hate hate it.

fal ldown now, can't sit yup longer.

Sparrow

Current Mood: sick

i am whole and complete unto myself. i share love freely given and freely received.

Can anyone tell me if there is a way, in Word, to color these words like a rainbow? I am using the font Edda, and Bold. I don't know how to make colors happen.

Sparrow

Current Mood: curious

Changing my filters again, just a little.

I discovered a place, last night, where I am still allowing myself too much leeway in certain things, and I am not trustworthy enough to leave them alone, on my own.

I gave someone I care about pain, because I have skewed perceptions and a victim mentality. I am taking steps to insure that I don't have the ability to do that any more. You, whom I have distressed, should take similar steps, for your own self. I am sorry.

Sparrow

Current Mood: depressed

Winter Solstice this year is December 22, at 06:08 in the morning. I am going to be up all night for it. I generally spend this vigil in tears, fighting the horrible loneliness of the longest night, alone. None of my 'family' members are interested in being there with me. I have tried just not doing it, and going to bed, it doesn't work. I want to break that pattern.

I would LOVE it if people wanted to drop by and join me. We can spend the evening in craft, in song, with appropriately cheerful movies (the Muppet's Chrismas Carol comes to mind), whatever.

Let me know if you are interested, so I know how much wassail to put in the crockpot, and how much food to load the table with!

Sparrow

Current Mood: hopeful

( Cut for those who really don't want to hear me whine. )

bleh.

Sparrow

Current Mood: overwhelmed

In my wandering tonight, I Googled for images of 'Beauty'.

I am somewhat distressed because ( This is what I got )

buh???

Sparrow

Computer virus. Trojan Horse. fifteen of them

My AVG free software neither notified me, nor quaranteened them nor nuthin'.

And somehow, in this mess all of my bookmarks appear to be gone.

I don't know how many more personal disasters I can take, this week.

Sparrow

Current Mood: depressed

Today I honor the memory of my father, who served in World War II. I honor the memory of my father in law, who was an Army Flier in the Pacific Campagne.

I honor my son, who's unit was the point of the spearhead for the invasion that began Operation Iraqi Freedom.

I honor my daughter's boyfriend who put his life on the line, as a sniper, taking out lone targets who would have endangered the normal ground troops even more.

I honor my husband, who taught Explosive Ordanance Disposal to the boys who were going to Viet Nam. Knowing how to handle such things safely meant that they didn't go into harms way out of ignorance.

This war is a deplorable and dishonest act, by deplorable and dishonest men in Government. I hail all the Troops, for doing their best to behave honorably in the face of this crisis.

Sparrow

With my car not freeway safe, I am riding BART a lot. And I am alone, up on the platform, in a space that would have sent me into a screaming panic attack a year ago.

Coming back to Dublin from Trance Class tonight, I had to wait on the Bayfair platform for about 20 minutes. The night was huge, the pressure was a monster, but it didn't break me this time. I was able to spend the time (re)reading my homework, over and over, and not lose control of myself.

So that's progress.

Starfire

( Broken_Lotte's at it again... )

Starfire

I just made a new Gallery, in my Scrapbook. It is images of Starfire. But it doesn't show up on my Galleries list.

to get to it, I have to go into my Icons Gallery, go to the Galleries list from there, and then click on Recently Updated from there! i don't understand!!!

WAAAAHHHHH!

Starfire

I just made my first icon, and put it in a gallery! ( Looky!! )

Starfire

Current Mood: pleased

OhmyGods, I got the job!!! I start tomorrow morning at 7:00 and they gonna pay me 10.00 an hour to start!!!

Hail Frigga
Hail my Mother
Hail Freyr

and thank you to all of you with the good wishes fu and the support and the love!!!!!

I love you!!!!

Starfire

Current Mood: ecstatic

Cross posted for anyone who hasn't had the fortune of hearing about this yet!
Come on out, it's going to be a lovely time!


Frigga's Feast Reminder

A day of celebration,
A feast which pays respect to each tradition and culture,
A chance to share food,
traditions, and knowledge,
A day of outdoor pleasures


Save the Date: April 22, 2006

( Why Frigga? )

( Why a Feast? )

( Where? )

Suggested Donation? $10

( Details, details )

Starfire

Hi World,

With our regular religious server down (due to the weather and the phone company, respectively) I figured I should put something here for any of you with Lj accounts.

This month we're going to work with the Runes that make up Syn's name. All input is welcome, we want both Lore based and UPG based input. Although I know the importance of our Lore based information, I don't want to denigrate personal and/or intuitive input. Both have their value. So, please feel free to dip your oar in the water.

Starfire

Current Mood: contemplative

It was mentioned to me, and I agree, that this needed it's own post. I wrote it on April 5th, shortly before folks were to show up for Stitch and Bitch.

Starfire

"I didn't like what she had become, it didn't fit me well, but it had to be done"

mmmm. more to it than that. The more I think about it, what she became is unimportant. She became what she needed to be. She was not what I had wanted her to be. She didn't fit the expected, acceptable, parameters that I had set up, in my head. That character was far and away my greatest success in ergi to date.
Because when I went out there, and Pentaclemoon called my card, I succeeded in letting go, at that moment. I accepted what the character had become, stopped fighting it, stopped crying over it, and just let it flow. The understanding of what the means and meant, is coming slowly. But I think I am starting to get it, a little.

She wasn't elegant, she wasn't cool and one step removed from it all, in her Justice. She was immanent, earthy, and angry with the surrenders of self perpetrated by ourselves on each of us. She frightened me badly, because she was nothing that I could control. She was outside of my 'closet', and I had been wearing blinders that did not permit me to know that she was going to do that.
'Willfull ignorance' the man said. Looking in the mirror I see that I was guilty of that sin, out of fear, out of panic. I felt like I was back in the Thunderflood, and drowning, instead of Surfacing.

I'm being very critical of myself today. Logical mind has a firm hold on my emotions, and it's not feeling terribly sympathetic. WynKat was describing to us, Monday night, various thoughts on the use of the scourge, in Wicca. While she disagreed with it, she did acknowlege that there are groups out there who use a scourge as a Penitential tool. Something about everyone being guilty of imperfection, and the lash being a necessary road to cleansing oneself of guilt. Sounded like a perversion of the christian god 'giving' his son to the murderers for the sake of the sins of the world.

I think I am in a place where I am scourging myself, angry with weakness and imperfection. Impatient with my (so far) inability to just get it, and get on with it. Angry with myself for needing love, and approval, and communion with others. Because my lack of faith in my own love for myself rebounds in to needing validation from others on a level where they can never prove it to me, because until I believe in my own love for myself, I cannot believe in theirs.

I keep hitting the walls of failing the people around me, who are being so patient, so kind, so loving, and keep having to help me deal with all this crap. I know it's not true, but I'm having trouble with remembering that, with believing that.

And today I have people coming over here, and no one coming here is a stranger, and I want to be able to relax and be me and come out of my closet and be with people in that open place. But I think what will happen is, I will put on my 'public face' and tell everyone I am fine, and not make a fool of myself for I-don't-know-what damned silly thing pops into my head.

I am venting a lot of stuff here, just letting it run out my fingers, as it comes into my head. Hopefully, when I hit the send button, I will let go of it all, and be able to move on. I'm certainly going to try.

Starfire

Current Mood: tired